A Reflection

     I wrote the following as an introduction to an article titled “When You Lose a Child” posted in Gospel Truths.

     “No matter the age, losing a child is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences a mother can ever experience. I know that other family members also experience terrible heartache but for today I will only speak for we mothers. When you are drowning in sorrow and the pains in your chest are so heavy it's almost impossible to breathe, you wonder if you will ever be free of this awful hurt ever again. Let me comfort you by saying, "yes, you will be free of the devastating 24/7 agonizing hurt.”

     Several weeks ago, my therapist suggested doing a series of articles on “Grief.” I had just finished the final one titled “Grief at Sixteen.” I cannot describe to anyone the unburdening effect writing that final article gave me. I had a peace beyond understanding that the Apostle Paul described as follows in Philippians 4:6-7  

     "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

     Additionally, I “snail-mailed” that article to my eldest son with the prayer and hope that it would also free him from his burden of grief.

     Little did I know that while we are alive and breathing, there is never freedom from grief of some type. Five days after I wrote that final article, I sat in an emergency room with my youngest son knowing that his brother had arrived by ambulance after “coding” and waiting to be led back to see him. Minutes passed like hours, and finally, a social worker took us to a private room to say that despite their best efforts, he had not survived.

     This time of grief is different from the first time, not because of the circumstances surrounding their age, or way that either of my sons died. Brian, the first, was killed in an auto accident when he was thirty-eight. Geoff died at sixty-one from a massive coronary brought on by sepsis. 

     I was strengthened by the outpouring of sympathy at Brian’s sudden passing unlike the many who have expressed their sympathy over Geoff’s. All I want is to never hear the words “I’m so sorry for your loss,” again. 

     So, I have tried to retreat from any place where I might hear words of sympathy from anyone who knows me or Geoff. However, there is no total retreat. There are still personal functions I cannot cancel but I would dearly love to erase them from my calendar.

     Geoff was my heart, my son who loved Jesus as much as I do. My son, who wrote so wonderfully and who suffered so horribly throughout these, his final years from multiple diseases and unforgiving trials of life. He once asked me, “Mom, why is it that every time I start to get on my feet and have a good life….I get knocked down.” 

     I could no more answer his question than so many other mothers have asked when they have watched their children struggle through life, enduring one heartbreak after another.

Next: Saved for a Purpose

No matter the age, losing a child is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences a mother can ever experience. I know that other family members also experience terrible heartache but for today I will only speak for we mothers.

When you are drowning in sorrow and the pains in your chest are so heavy it's almost impossible to breathe, you wonder if you will ever be free of this awful hurting ever again. Let me comfort you by saying, "yes, you will be free of the devastating 24/7 hurting again."

Brian was my exuberant son! Noisy, boisterous, outgoing, and painfully outspoken. He never shied away from telling everyone exactly what he thought and how he felt. One word could describe his consistent personality.....LOUD!

A childhood near-drowning made him afraid of death. And although his life in his late thirties was anything but a bed of roses he had no thoughts of harming himself...only of getting out from under the mental struggles he was going through.

Brian had voluntarily admitted himself to a detox center for a problem with alcohol, mainly his addiction to rum. Lots of rum....morning, noon, and nighttime rum was his friend. Some days when he arranged to pick his daughter up for a visit, he was not allowed to take her because he may have bolstered his frayed nerves by taking a hit on his ever-present bottle of rum. Obviously, being able to spend time with his precious little girl was the driving force behind his voluntary admission to the center.

Part Two tomorrow

Part 2

Brian had only been out of detox for a month went I got, "the phone call from hell," as my youngest called it. He got "the visit from hell" by an Arizona State trooper because Brian was living with him, his wife and children, at the time.

I did not know Brian's relationship with Christ when I got the phone call that morning. I wish I had known this since my initial conversation with God that morning was to scream what about his soul God? What about his soul?" All this as I was running around my home throwing a few things together for my trip to Arizona. God would reveal the answer later but at that time I only knew that I was crushed and numb with shock and could not believe the nightmare I was going through. God knew the answer to my question but above all, he knew I'd be traveling alone because He sent an angel to be my companion as I traveled to Phoenix, AZ.

Enter Anthony.  As I was calling my new boss of only two weeks from the airport to explain why I would not be coming to work that morning, a man approached me and said, all in one breath, "excuse me but I couldn't help but overhear your phone call. Is anyone traveling with you? Can I be of help? Would you like some coffee, breakfast, anything? I'll be sitting right over there, just wave at me and I'll come! "No, nothing I said, but thank you anyway." 

The strange thing about Anthony was he had splints on both of his wrists (like when someone has carpal tunnel). So the first thing I thought was; maybe God sent Jesus to help me through this. I immediately dismissed that thought as being crazy and attributed it to the trauma I was going through.

Fast forward, boarding started and I was in one of the last groups to board. As I entered the plane, midway down the plane Anthony saw me and waved indicating that he had saved a seat in his row for me.

So for the 3 1/2 hour trip to Phoenix, Anthony was my seatmate. He told me he was on his way to Silicon Valley to demonstrate a computer program that he and a friend had designed. This was the only information he gave me about himself. And the only question he asked me happened after I had finished reading scriptures from my Bible, my other companion on the trip. As I closed the book Anthony said, "so did you find what you were looking for in The Book? The hardest part is over, you know!"  

Knowing the funeral preparations and everything that  was ahead of me I told him, "no, the hardest part is only beginning." Yet, I pondered Anthony's statement for many months after Brian's funeral.

We landed in Phoenix, at Sky Harbor airport, and started to deplane. Of course, Anthony was right behind me as we walked up the gangway. Midway up the ramp, Anthony said, "oh boy, I forgot my jacket back there. I need to go back and get it." That was the last time I saw him and believe me I looked back often and scanned the baggage claim area with no sign of Anthony.

Part 3 tomorrow

Part 3

I've told this story to many groups in the past 16 years and everyone who has commented on my Brian Story agrees that God did send an angel to travel with me that morning.

Somewhere on a street in Glendale, AZ many lives were changed the night of Brian's accident. The repercussions of death always leave a mark on those left behind. Some people hold on to the anger of being robbed of time with a loved one and blame something or someone for the tragedy, some people suffer ongoing depression and turn to pills or alcohol, and some people spend their remaining days in a type of worship of their deceased loved ones. While some people move forward with life determined to soldier on as best they can.

My family members have experienced all of these emotions at one time or another. I have found the greatest help for me has been the support of friends and family. They have given me cart blanch to call them any time of the day or night and have been outstanding. I've even gotten cards of encouragement from total strangers for months after Brian's death. These are from people who have also lost a child and know the initial agony I was facing.  God is so timely...the cards always arrived on days when I was at my lowest.

After 16 years do I spend every day in mourning...most certainly not! But there are still unannounced times when I feel like I've been sucker punched in my gut. Times when the tears flow like rivers. Times when I long to have that tall, burly, blond guy hug me and tell me, "I love you mom"!

I credit Brian's passing with a closeness to God that I may not have experienced so soon in my life. I give God the glory for touching me with such great compassion for others who are going through the loss of a loved one, specifically a child.

The old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" may be true but the following scripture and many others in God's word get to the very heart of the matter.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

A beautiful hymn from long ago says this; "The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell; It goes beyond the highest star; And reaches to the lowest hell;"

God's love has brought me through many unbelievably difficult times and He will continue to be my comforter and strength through the rest of my time on His earth. I pray that you will also trust Him through your earthly joys and sorrows. He cares for you!

Part 4 Brian's living legacy; Taylor Rose

     Depression is a ravaging illness. Ask any person who has suffered its slings and arrows. It is a tumble down a dark "Alice in Wonderland" hole where a multitude of emotions assail you minute by minute on the down days, and minute by minute with overtly energetic happy days on the up days.

     It is described as an illness or psychiatric disorder that involves the body, mind, and overall health. It causes prolonged feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness, and a loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyed. 

     My battle with the illness started simply enough. Although, in retrospect I should have questioned my thought process. Since I've been a little girl music has been one of my greatest joys. Singing, playing piano, being in a gospel group, and participating in holiday cantatas....all have been an important part of my life. A few years ago I started being critical of musicians and music. I lost interest in all aspects of music, especially Christian music. I did not understand that this was a "red flag" that indicated something was very wrong with me.

     For the past few years, my family and my husband's family members have been going through serious mental and physical problems. One of my sons, who is diabetic, had a wound on his foot that resulted in multiple surgeries, some of which were later deemed unnecessary. These surgeries exacerbated the problem eventually resulting in a mid-calf amputation. All of my sons have recently suffered from the reality of losing their father to age-related complications and most have shared their concerns with me.

     At the same time, my boys were going through their crisis, my husband of 30+ years (not their father) started having problems with hip pain that progressed over time into his inability to walk even a few steps without major pain. During this time several physicians misdiagnosed his illness causing the progression of an arterial disease to worsen by the delay.

     I never realized that while all of these things were happening, I had become an emotional sponge watching my family's world turn upside down and soaking up their distress and locking it inside myself.

     It seems that family members are usually the first to see that something is wrong with a loved one. At least that has been my experience. My husband quietly started asking me if something was wrong.  To me, nothing was wrong with me. Everything was wrong with everyone else but I was doing O.K.

Part 2;  "Anger and Other Signals"

Part 2

      In a recent sermon on depression, David Jeremiah said, "God allows our trials, but satan takes advantage of them."

     With so many things happening today, it's no wonder that 5% of the adult population, or approximately 280 million people worldwide, are diagnosed with some form of depression. 

     Depression is a severe health issue. The ramifications can even lead to suicide. Statistically, the World Health Organization says that 700,000 people of all ages worldwide succumb to the emotions of depression and choose to "check out" of society each year. 

     As I've already written, my first sign went totally unobserved and involved a disassociation with all types of music, which had been the love of my life since early childhood. The second sign was equally deceitful and also went unnoticed. People, all people, just plain irritated me. I sneered at them behind their back and started avoiding social gatherings or contact with family members. I HAD to socialize with my husband of 30-plus years, but everything he did or didn't do caused me to make ugly faces at him when his back was turned. I also avoided being around him and spent a lot of time away from home "doing things." We're both retired, which was the only way I could escape. 

     My moods and physical appearance also started to suffer. It seemed that one day I'd be on cloud 9, happy, full of energy, and in love with the world and everyone in it. The next day I'd crash, stay in my PJs all day, binge-watch TV programs or play games on my computer. By then, I had stopped attending church and participating in church-related activities. I also stopped putting on makeup (as a makeup queen since my teens, that should have tipped me off). I stopped caring about what I wore, and would wear the same outfit for days. This was something I blamed on COVID-19.

     By now, my husband had started to notice these changes and once again quietly, and subtiely mentioned them to me. But as I said in the previous blog, there was nothing wrong with me, everyone else was at fault.

Part 3;  "Subtle Physical Symptoms"

 Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline which serves our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255. 

Part 3

     LOE or loss of energy is one of the major signs of depression. It becomes an absolute struggle to feel anything other than "weary" 24/7. In my pre-depression years I could do it all...household chores, teaching @ Senior centers, church choir, participating in Assisted Living programs, be the chief caregiver for my husband etc. etc. etc.

     A modern-day Job, I'm not, but I can understand how tiring it is to keep going when everything seems to be against you. It's like trying to swim upstream against a rushing torrent of water. If you stop struggling you'll get swept away or worse. 

     One of the scariest things about depression is this, you don't feel "depressed". Indeed, you feel down some of the time. And you have good days and bad days but nothing major seems wrong. UNTIL, that first meltdown when you swear you're having a heart attack. You experience a heavy, tight chest, have difficulty breathing, and feel like you're going to pass out.

     My husband had been telling me for several weeks that I should get checked out by my family doctor. He had noticed a change in me and did not like what he was seeing. Even my Nurse practitioner friend had been asking me if I needed "help"...perhaps a light medication to help me over the process of surgeries my husband was going through. The "meltdown" convinced me I needed to talk with someone, but I was still feeling O.K. most of the time and had convinced myself that when the family medical issues and troubles cleared up, I'd be O.K. After all, l  everyone gets stressed and depressed sometimes, right?

     "Debbie downer" I am not. On the good days, I had energy to burn and felt like my old self even though I had no idea what or who my old self resembled. The bad days were just that, bad. At this stage in the disease, I felt my bad days were beginning to overtake my good days. I was angry  and secluded most of the time and had started to experience some minor chest discomfort more days than I was experiencing happy, productive, social days.

     That's when I asked my NP for a referral to a mental health counseling practice near my home.

Part 4; "Help and Hope"

 Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline which serves our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255. 

Part 4

 Today, “988” is the three-digit, nationwide phone number to connect directly to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. By calling or texting 988, you’ll connect with mental health professionals with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, formerly known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Veterans can press “1” after dialing 988 to connect directly to the Veterans Crisis Lifeline which serves our nation’s Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them. For texts, Veterans should continue to text the Veterans Crisis Lifeline short code: 838255. 

    Psalm 28:7 Living Bible

7 He is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trusted in him, and he helped me. Joy rises in my heart until I burst out in songs of praise to him.

     I know that the Triune God watches over and protects us from everything we experience. I also know that He is in control of every outcome in these happenings that is why I praise Him and start each day in prayer with Him.

     Philippians 4:6 ESV

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

     Various advertisers market equipment for the kitchen that is designed to protect you from fiery danger. But until you have experienced the flash of a kitchen grease fire all the advertising in the world will not prepare you or give you the knowledge on how to react to save your home, yourself, and family members.

     We have one of those dated microwaves that sits above the stove and collects a lot of grease as do the cabinets above it.

     Several months ago, my husband installed a metal hood that attaches to our microwave. The hood is designed to protect our cabinets from collecting all that grease that splatters everywhere. 

     Yesterday while frying hamburgers for our afternoon meal I decided to put a lid on the frying pan to protect the stove from a greasy cleanup.  That was my First mistake! I noticed that the lid was not centered on top of the pan and decided to move it. Second really big mistake! As I centered the lid some of the grease splashed on the gas flame beneath the skillet and “poof” the whole top of the stove was instantly a mass of flames.  I panicked and started to move the skillet, third gigantic mistake! After all, where would I go with a skillet that had flames 2 feet high? Regaining my sanity, I immediately turned off the burner and shut down the outside vent that was running full speed. I knew that all those flames were being sucked up into the vent. I grabbed the skillet's handle and moved the flaming pan to the stove's back burner. Running to the pantry, a mere five steps away, I grabbed the flour bin to toss flour on the flames, but by then, a miracle had happened, the flames had died out.

     Until you experience a grease “flash fire” you don’t realize how split seconds can mean the difference between losing your home, or your life. Only God knows how I managed to have no burns from the flames that engulfed the entire top of the stove.

     In retrospect, I realized that the metal hood protected the cabinets above from being engulfed by that wall of flames. Such a simple addition to my kitchen, annoying at times because the overhang means I need to be careful not to bang my head on the sharp corners. But it was a God-sent.

     My Father knew before I was born that yesterday would happen. I praise Him for being “my shield” and protecting me and my home from disaster.

Amen and Amen